Money will continue to be poured into the infrastructure for drivers, with widening schemes on the M25, improvements to the M1, M4, M5 and an upgrading of the A11 in East Anglia.
The cost of rail travel will rise sharply, encouraging greater car use. The £50 million Better Stations programme has been junked. If you are pathetic enough to use trains you deserve overcrowded carriages and crap stations with smelly toilets. For God’s sake pull yourself together and get a car.
Bus travel will become more expensive, but frankly only losers, geriatrics and poor people travel by bus.
£17.2 million has been sliced from the road safety budget, which is why everyone should buy a Lexus 4X4 with eleven air bags. You owe it to your family to keep them safe, especially with so many drivers using mobile phones.
Cycling will continue to be discouraged at all costs. Britain is a European leader in discouraging cycling and the government is determined to maintain this proud tradition. We don't want foreigners like the Dutch and the Danes showing us how to change out shopping centres. Obesity rules OK.
Motor traffic is expected to rise dramatically. This is why it is important to keep spending money on road improvements to ease congestion.
The Department for Transport will continue not to deliver its long-promised integrated transport policy because Britain doesn’t have one and never will.
Er, that’s it.
Below: the present condition of the great British high street – and how it will look in the future.