Representing lawless drivers as victims

Many motorists believe they have been seen as an easy target in recent years. The industrialisation of speed enforcement over the past decade led to a flourishing speed camera industry. 

[ Some lawless drivers resent being caught ]

At its height, speed cameras earned more than £100 million a year from motorists, with the cash being reinvested in yet more devices by safety camera partnerships set up by police and local authorities.

[ Speed cameras revealed that the standards of driving on Britain’s roads are so poor that significant numbers of drivers even get caught by cameras in bright yellow boxes with advance warning signs ]

The previous Government tried to defuse their unpopularity by decreeing that the fines should be handed over to the Treasury rather than being spent on installing more cameras.

[ Speed cameras are not unpopular despite ceaseless attempts by the corporate media to suggest that petrolheads represent all drivers. But politicians have traditionally been terrified of the supposed influence of the Murdoch press and the Daily Mail ]

Then, in a move to appease motorists further, the Coalition stopped all central Government funding for cameras on taking office. Philip Hammond, the Coaltion’s first transport secretary, declared an end to the war on motorist within hours of taking on the portfolio.

[ "Motorists" =  the libertarian sort, who believe they should drive in whatever way they please, wherever they please, whenever they please, without any restrictions. But with free parking. ]

As for the war on the motorist...

cycling in the enchanted Lea Valley

Here in the magical Lea Valley, on the borders of the London boroughs of Waltham Forest, Hackney and Newham, the CYCLISTS DISMOUNT signs are looking exceptionally lovely at this time of the year.

The cycle path which won the London Cycling Campaign’s coveted “Best new cycling facility” award for 2000 will take you right to the heart of the countryside.

If you pedal to the end of Walthamstow’s historic Black Path you can see one of the local wonders – a sign to Hackney which has been pointing in the wrong direction for over four years!

And while on the Black Path, if you ever need to park your bike in the heart of a desolate industrial estate, there are no less than ten bike stands. No one has ever seen a bike locked up here and there’s a prize of one year’s free subscription to legendary Waltham Forest News if you do!

On the Hackney side of the River Lea you can explore local flora on this magnificent early example of “Going Dutch”, where a pink cycle track runs alongside a footpath. Thank you, cycling-friendly British Waterways!

Marvel as the “Olympic legacy” takes shape by the refurbished Cow Bridge. It has traditionally been banned to motor vehicles but this brand new light-up sign bearing the word FULL suggests that soon a lovely car park will be built on Hackney Marshes, ending years of vicious discrimination against visitors who have previously been forced to walk or cycle to this lovely open space (where quite frankly there is room for thousands of cars).

The Olympic Legacy for cyclists includes this magnificent Greenway, the official route to the Eton Manor Gate entrance to the Olympic Park. The surfacing has been specially adapted for London’s very popular “mountain bikes”.

Marvel at this lighting column by the cycle path under Lea Bridge Road, which has been burning brightly in daylight for five years, while at the same time Waltham Forest Council regularly urges residents to save the planet by conserving electricity!

Why, it’s almost as if no one from the council ever cycles anywhere! 

War on the motorist update

The Daily Mail is usually exceptionally keen to kick out Johnny Foreigner when Johnny breaks the law.

But everybody knows that traffic offences aren’t really crimes, are they?

He has served in the British Army for four years with an ‘exemplary record’, but Poloko Hiri has now been ordered out of the UK – because of a speeding offence. The 32-year-old from Botswana has had his application for citizenship rejected by the UK Border Agency who claimed the single offence was a sign of ‘bad character’. The UKBA rejected his bid because he had received a £100 fine and five penalty points for speeding on the M1. He had been doing 81mph in a 50mph roadworks zone at 1.30am. 

A UK Border Agency spokesman said: ‘Each claim for settlement is considered on individual circumstances and in line with published policy.’

A scene from the best of both worlds

One cycling blogger has noticed that the London Cycling Campaign’s notion of ‘Going Dutch’ implies that

there are two distinct categories of cyclist; those that are happy cycling on the road, and who would continue to cycle on the road once ‘provision’ has been put in, and another category of cyclist, made up of those who are more nervous, or who don’t currently cycle but who would like to, for whom the infrastructure is being provided. Further, and problematically, this categorisation extends to the notion that these two distinct types of cyclist will require two different approaches to their cycling needs. 

It’s no surprise that Waltham Forest is the first London borough to sign up to ‘Going Dutch’ as local cyclists have long been able to enjoy this visionary “twin track” approach to cycling infrastructure.

Here on the eastbound A503 outside Walthamstow Magistrates Court cyclists have the option of a pink on-road cycle lane suitable for sharing with speeding tipper truck drivers talking on handheld mobile phones or, alternatively, an off-road two-way cycle track built to the very highest British design standards for off-road cycling infrastructure. Here you can literally "go West" against the traffic - and there's more fun and excitement where the westbound track comes to a sudden end at the junction of the A503 and Farnan Avenue!

This "twin track" approach has proved brilliantly effective as it has now attracted a surprise visitor to the cycle track – a ‘new model’ Dalek. The Dalek is believed to have been drawn to this location by the council’s adjacent advertising, which invites extra-terrestials to sample one of the most advanced cycling cultures in the universe.

PLEASE NOTE: For Health and Safety reasons cycling is not recommended in Waltham Forest cycle lanes, cycle paths, or cycle tracks.

Could they perhaps be related?

Reader I. N. Vented writes:

Looking at photographs of political leaders milking the Olympics for cheap propaganda purposes, I was struck by the uncanny physical similarities between these two figures. 

What's more they both have moustaches and in the sphere of transport their policies tend to favour the motor car over the bicycle. 

Team Krapp says: Well done Mr Vented for spotting this uncanny coincidence!

(Above) Chris Robbins, leader of infamous Waltham Forest Council, poses outside the Town Hall with local youth. © Waltham Forest News 

(Below) The notorious “Fuehrer” poses outside his bunker complex with local youth.

Prince Harry: sensational nude cycling photo

Clarence House begged us not to publish this photo, saying “it’s not him”. But we don’t take orders from dudes named Clarence. And let’s face it, that false beard doesn’t fool anyone. And, hey, what is there to be ashamed of? It’s good for young people to let off steam.

Besides, who among us hasn’t sometimes found themselves cycling around London naked on a Saturday afternoon being photographed by attractive young members of the opposite sex?

We asked top members of the British cycling world what they thought of the sensational Prince Harry nude cycling photo.

Michelle Smooth, Transport for London: ‘Here at TfL we are all very excited to see the Prince sending out the message that cycling in London is cool and sexy and exciting. In view of the Prince’s intervention we have decided to divert this year’s cycle promotion budget to feasibility studies into raising speed limits on London’s bridges and eliminating more of those congestion-causing pedestrian crossings.’

Edward Himmler, ‘Right to Ride’ convenor, Crapburgh Cycling Campaign. ‘It is important for cyclists to occupy the moral high ground and win respect from motorists. Frankly these kind of antics do us no good at all. Naked bike rides, critical mass, and red-light-jumping do the reputation of all cyclists immense damage.’

Midge Dimm, Bicycle Crown Trust. ‘The figures speak for themselves. Last year not a single cyclist hit by a motor vehicle was wearing a crown. We’re delighted to see the Prince sending out the message that wearing a crown can quite literally save your life.’

Gary Speed, ‘Share The Road’. ‘It is impossible for drivers to share the road when it is full of naked cyclists. This is why we are calling on the government to lock up all naked cyclists so that our streets can be shared by BMW drivers, lorry drivers, and van drivers, who will all drive much more carefully once there are no naked cyclists to distract them.’


(Below) Planning to go cycling in Las Vegas? These easy-to-slip-off pants are highly recommended for British visitors. Available from all British Cycling outlets.

Spot the irrelevant and prejudicial detail

The Press Association:

Mr Belmonte, who was not wearing a helmet, was cycling to his girlfriend's house in Newington Green, north London, and had travelled the route on many occasions before, the court heard. 

 [The driver] was travelling at 68mph in a 30mph zone when he hit Mr Belmonte, known as Pepe to his friends and family, who was cycling ahead of him in the same direction.